You’ve been together 3 months, and you’re head-over-heels. You wait with baited breath for the words ‘I love you’ and they don’t come. Another 3 months passes by. He’s definitely into you – you know it, and so do your mates, so why doesn’t he say those 3 little words?
Impatience takes over and you go out, get lashed and drunk dial. You put him on the spot and he says it, but it doesn’t sound genuine or like it ‘should’ sound, full of emotion. You freak out, he gets frustrated and closes down.
Whether this sounds like your story or not, what I’m about to tell you definitely does apply, so keep reading here’s where it gets interesting. When we understand this theory, our relationships effortlessly transform. And on the ‘off-chance’ you know this already, it’s never wasted when you hear it again. I have to keep reminding myself again and again, and it sinks in deeper each time.
Essentially, we all have our own unique way of expressing love to each other. It’s called our ‘language’ of love, and it varies from person-to-person. It’s usually learned from one of our parents, as it was how they expressed their love to us. When you think about it, as humans we’re all so different and unique, so it makes sense we would have different ways of expressing love to each other?
This idea of love languages was created by Gary D Chapman, and he lectures and runs workshops in the U.S. He categorised 5 different languages of love including:
Physical touch (you’re a tactile person, and you express through touch) you feel loved when your partner regularly wraps their arms around you, touches you and kisses you.
Acts of service(you love doing things for others like cleaning, running errands, being in-service, helping others) you feel loved when your partner dedicates time to clean up the house or get your car cleaned.
Words of affirmation (you express through your words and communicating your love) you feel loved when your partner tells you they loves you all-the-time.
Giving gifts (nothing lights you up more than spending time choosing the perfect gift, or making something to give to your loved one, this is how you express your love) you feel special and loved when your partner gives you something they’ve spent hours making which relates directly to something you love.
Quality time (you love spending quality time with your loved one) you feel loved when your partner shuts down their laptop and sits with you on the sofa and listens to you talk about your day.
One of these will be your primary love language – the main way you express your love, and the main way you understand love (and when someone loves you). Take a few moments to think about which might be yours? To help you figure this out, think about how your parents show you their love. What does your dad love doing for you? This might give you a clue to yours.
When you have a good idea what yours might be, take time to think about what your partners might be? How do they express their love for you?
When you understand your love language and your partners, you finally realise you’ve been expressing your love to each other in different ways. They might tell you they love you by spending hours making the perfect gift for you. You might tell them you love them by holding their hand and giving them a big squeeze.
So this means you may often feel rejected, because they don’t naturally reach for your hand on the tube or tell you they love you when you need to hear it. And you might not be able to receive the fullness of their love when they give you a gift they’ve been making for days, as you haven’t learned that particular love language.
I’ve posted on this before but it’s so so so important to understand, I wanted to do it again.
Take time to understand this concept as it will transform your relationships, and help you understand each other much more. When you know your partner’s love language, take time to learn it or at least understand it. You will learn how to receive your partner’s love in a completely new way which will feel much deeper. It’ll take time though so go easy on yourself.
P.S. There’s a simple quiz which might help if you’re stuck here
