How do I find “the one”? A friend once asked me. She’d split up with her partner a year ago, and was fed up of being alone. How do I find him? Where do I look? I’m so sick of not having someone to share my life with. Everyone else is loved up! I thought I’d be married with kids by now. Why hasn’t it happened? I’ve been doing all this work on myself. I’m so tired of searching for love. Grrrrrr!
She was understandably frustrated. And angry, and resentful. She really couldn’t understand what was going wrong.
I looked at her, and said what I’d said many times, “you’ve got to learn to love yourself. Find love inside you. Then love will come”. It fell on deaf ears, as always. She said, “I do love myself!”. I said, “you don’t, not full-time! You do when you feel like it, when you remember. The rest of the time you beat yourself up! Learn to love yourself, then you’ll find the love you’re searching for.”
Learning my way
A few years ago, I was in a new relationship. I thought he was amazing. Beautiful to look at, gorgeous body, soft and deep voice, and quiet, considerate and kind. I felt intimated. Something about it all made me nervous. As if I believed he was too good for me. Finally, this was someone I’d been waiting for, and it was too good to be true.
I was shy around him, I closed down, and I wasn’t myself. Something was awry. This was someone I’d been waiting for, and I couldn’t open up and connect. I spent most of the time trying to make him laugh, forcing the connection, being someone I thought he wanted me to be.
And it failed, miserably.
He retreated into his shell, unable to connect because I wasn’t being my true self.
As I thought about ending it, a book fell into my lap, ‘Love Yourself and It doesn’t matter who you marry’ by Eva-Maria Zurhorst. It was exactly the right time to read it (isn’t it always?) and in one moment, I had a thousand realisations about myself. I woke up!
I realised that I didn’t know who I was, or what turned me on. I’d spent my entire life morphing into other people, blending into their lives, their interests and going along with their plan. In this relationship, I’d become totally focused on him, and making sure he was happy. I was pretending to be happy, I so desperately wanted this to work. I’d lost myself, and was completely out of balance.
I knew with certainty that until I made the decision to prioritise myself, and re-learnt who I was and what I needed, this relationship (or any other relationship) wasn’t going to work. This started a radical self-love journey, and everything around me (including the relationship) completely changed.
Love yourself and your whole life will change
To find love (or deepen your love) you have to learn how to love yourself. There’s no escaping it. And yes, you’ve probably heard this a thousand times (and discounted it a thousand times). And you know what? It’ll only happen when the penny finally drops, and you figure it out for yourself. Until then, I’ll keep reminding you!
It’s something we forget about, until we get in a funk about our relationships, or not having one. But when you nail the self-love piece, it’s like hitting gold. And you’ll be so content, you won’t even want a relationship….and that’s when it’ll happen!
Self-love is a practice. It’s something I keep forgetting. I get so lost in my work, and the busyness that I constantly forget about myself – I don’t exercise, I eat on-the-go, and I work late at night.
When we forget about ourselves, life gets harder, we get exhausted, low on energy and the juiciness of life.
Here’s what loving yourself means:
- You look after yourself, and put you first
- You value yourself and your time
- You’re kind to yourself
- You forgive yourself
- You nourish yourself
- You take time off
- You eat properly
- You rest when needed
Start today. Treat yourself like your best friend, with love, respect, honesty, commitment. Put yourself first, and see what shifts in your life.
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