YESSSSS. An event’s just been confirmed and popped into the diary.
And not just any event, it’s a brand new theme everyone’s been asking for a gazillion times. I know it’s going to be good.
It’s been a while since I ran my own event. So it feels extra-special.
My team and I agree to share it with you via Instagram and our newsletter this week. It’s all settled, planned and sorted.
Then the “event-sharing” day comes. And when I should be talking about it on Instagram – something more important comes up. A few days pass. I realise I haven’t shared the new event yet. I can’t seem to get to it, can’t seem to knuckle down and write about it and share it.
Finally, I sit down to write my post.
I sit. And wait. And nothing seems to flow.
I try to tune in. and it all feels uncomfortable. Like I’m trying too hard, or selling, or writing with an agenda. My worst nightmare’s asking people for things and them thinking I just want something from them (scarred from years of selling stuff I didn’t believe in).
I sit a bit longer, and I catch my mind making excuses to put it off ’til tomorrow. Yet I know myself well enough to know that tomorrow I’ll be faced with the exact same blocks and resistance.
So I decide to face it now.
I remember how running my events used to affect me. How I’d sabotage myself by not announcing them ’til the last minute (full of panic, stress and overwhelm). Somehow I’d always pull it off, but it was not an enjoyable experience.
And then I ask myself – “What’s this about? Do I *actually* want to hold events?”
And as I say that out-loud, there’s an undeniable sense of “no I don’t”. And as soon as I say it, I feel myself relax. Everything in my body feels relaxed.
I don’t want to hold events. I said it again. And again, I feel more of me relax.
For the first time in a while, I feel like I’d actually listened to myself. It feels liberating. I feel the part of me who doesn’t want to worry about promotions, sharing tickets, and asking people to pay for things. I sense the part of me who doesn’t want to be let down or disappointed if people don’t come.
And I tell myself it’s ok to feel this way. I give myself permission. I realise that I don’t want to hold events if I feel this way – the tension isn’t worth it.
Now as a therapist, I know there’s a part of me deep down who’s hurting from past experiences where I’ve been deeply disappointed. I remember how much I hated celebrating my birthday, how stressed I felt leading up to it, worrying about people coming and afraid of being judged for people not coming…the anxiety was so bad, I’d have preferred not to do anything.
God. I used to care so much about what people thought.
So I sit and I tell myself, it’s ok to not want to hold events.
Simply sitting with these new realisations, and accepting that I don’t want to hold or share events feels like such a big release. I’ve been pushing myself for so long, doing events because I feel I had to. Because everyone expects me to do them.
And in an instant, I know I’ve been running my events from completely the wrong intention. And when things are created with the wrong intention, they feel misaligned, you can feel the contraction, and the blocks when it comes to trying to share them authentically.
I realise how important it is to strip it all back, and go right back to the beginning.
Asking: why would I truly want to hold these events? How can I feel really excited and proud to hold them?
I know I need to get into alignment. Because, if I’m honest, I’ve never really felt happy and proud when I think about my events. I’ve always felt embarrassed, fearful or nervous.
And I’ve never admitted it before.
Yet until we come into alignment with our work, it won’t flow. Things won’t feel energising and fun. They’ll feel draining, tiresome, like having a million chores and a to-do list from hell.
So I ask you – where in your life are you feeling misaligned? What are you forcing yourself to get done because you believe you “have” to? How are you pushing yourself to perform, when it’s not what you actually want to do?
The first step is acknowledging what you truly want – no matter what that is.
You also need to accept what you’re currently creating. And this is tough, ‘cause you need to be real with yourself, and feel ok with what you’re creating… which isn’t what you necessary want to be creating.
Once you’re in acceptance of yourself, and what it is you actually want, you feel relaxed, balanced, clearer and can then change your intention so it’s from a place of authenticity and alignment.
And thus, I want to invite you – if you feel called – to join me on one of my kickass, no-bs, life-changing events. You can find them here.
And I can’t wait to share this experience with you.
